I read a disturbing thread on a message board today. It was about, well, bad parents, and what it’s like to have them–the abusive kind, the neglectful kind, the manipulative kind, the resentful kind.
I read the thread and took a deep breath and charged ahead with my day. But all day I kept trying to remember this quotation from one of Urie Bronfenbrenner’s books, so tonight I had to look it up. It goes like this:
“In order to develop normally, a child needs the enduring, irrational involvement of one or more adults in the care of and in joint activity with that child. In short, somebody has to be crazy about that kid. ”
You don’t often see scientists discussing parenting in terms like this. You’re much more likely to come across terms like “sensitivity” and “responsiveness” and “scaffolding”–terms that imply some kind of measurable behavior that parents can score high or low on. But “irrational involvement”? That may not be quantifiable, but it’s definitely something parents can relate to. I feel irrational about my child. I suspect most parents do. I don’t know what to do about the parents who don’t. Is there anything we can do? How do we teach that kind of connection, that emotional tie?
The first thing we need to do is explode the myths that everyone should be a parent, that life is empty and meaningless without children, and that becoming a parent (especially a mother) magically transforms you into a loving, giving, selfless human being. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. The sanctification of parenthood inspires people to become parents who shouldn’t.
Thank you and good-night.
Amen to that.
I agree–I don’t know if you can teach that. I was lucky enough to be raised by irrational parents (in more ways than one, haha!!), but I see all the time parents who are not irrational about their kids. It breaks my heart, because it’s easy to see the ramifications of that kind of parenting. At least, it is easy for me to see the effects on my Big Brothers Big Sister little sister, for example. You definitely bring up interesting things to think about.
In other news, I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Do you think you can cover for me on the 7th floor?!?!
I totally agree with Sophie, some women just don’t have the mothering gene or instinct or desire (what ever “it” is). Furthermore, it is still very common to be pressured to have kids by parents, peers, and even random strangers.
Heaven forbid I pay any attention to a child at a family gathering. Poor Austin will be hassled for the next hour about how I have “that urge” (what ever that is supposed to mean) and how he better “get in the game”. Uggg. Seriously people?
If you are ready, then you are ready. If you are not, then you are not. You may never be ready. It takes a certain kind of crazy to have a kid. Maybe some people have evolved defense mechanisms that allow them to keep their genetic material to themselves. Kids are awesome, moms are too, but for those people out there who have no desire to spread themselves around, well, they shouldn’t be judged for their decision.
Maybe that’s how we stop this cycle. Change to attitudes about having children in the first place. Then, people who really want kids will have them and those who don’t have any desire to have kids won’t be pressured into it (maybe even rewarded?) until they are ready, if they are ever ready.